The break up

Sometimes I feel like going to the U.S was a mistake. Not because it wasn't the best vacation of my life, it truly was, but because now it feels impossible to be away from him even just for a few hours let along for two years. I hated to leave the first time but it I was also excited to go home, plus I wasn't used to spending every minute with Kyle. Last week he was the first person I saw in the morning and the last one to leave tell me good night before I fell asleep.

Kyle already told you guys about the main things that happened. I'm going to write more about them later but I want our dates to be in a chronological order, which means I have to write about some older ones first. Instead I just want to let him know how I feel.

I remember leaving the U.S the first time. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life. I had no idea when I was going to see the people I learnt to love again. I had never felt so strongly for anyone before Kyle and I didn't want it to end. I told him I didn't want us to break up and at first that's what I really thought. However, after the summer I started feeling like it wasn't worth it. I thought I couldn't wait for two years without knowing whether it would work out.

Breaking up with Kyle was - again - among the hardest decisions of my life. I knew I'd be happier with him but I felt like I wasn't good enough, not strong enough to last the time. It also felt like it was slowly fading away. We didn't talk that often anymore and it always took days to receive messages and reply to them. I guess I just didn't want to 'waste' two years of my life, I wasn't sure anymore.

We still talked after that and it always made me really happy to hear from him. More than once I wanted to tell him it was a mistake to ever break up but I didn't want to play with his heart - nor mine. So I just decided to keep quiet and try to move on. I still kept comparing everyone to him and of course no one could be as great. The truth is that I wasn't happy without him. It just took me a while to realize.

A little over a month ago we were on Facebook at the same time and started talking. We hadn't talked much in a while and first we were just having a small talk. I don't know how or why, but soon the conversation turned its course and he ended up telling me that he still loved me, well sort of. After that conversation he was the only thing I could think about. I had already thought about going back to U.S to see my friends and my host family because I missed them a lot. And I have to admit that I missed America too...

Then, the day before Valentine's day, I opened my American phone for the first time in eight months. I was surprised it still worked but then I couldn't resist the urge to call him. Needless to say he was surprised. He was on his way to work so we didn't talk for that long. After hanging up I called my hostparents to see if I could stay at theirs and they agreed. Of course I hadn't mentioned anything to Kyle about my plans yet.

On Valentine's day we talked on Skype for a long time. I had decided I wanted to write a blog about us so that I would never again forget how I felt. Two weeks later I stepped on the plane and it was probably the best decision I've ever made. I had the best time with the guy that I love the most on earth.

The only problem was that I had to leave him, again. I didn't want to and those two weeks came into an end way too fast. If it was hard to leave on the first time, it was hundred times worse now. I think it was because I had figured out what I wanted and I had realized that I couldn't be happier with anyone else. I'm just so grateful that Kyle gave me another chance because otherwise I would've spent the rest of my life thinking what ifs. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, I still got a chance to be happy.

Love, May